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I am putting you up for adoption. If you were a good child, your butt wouldn’t be so red. I will beat that disrespect from you.

1.  I hope that foulness isn’t your breath.
2.  It’s my moobs.
1.  You need to milk them.  You can’t let them sour.

I can grow hair just about anywhere on my body, except on my head and my ankles.

1.  The soap goes on your hands not in your mouth.
2.  Stop being such a pansy, soap can go anywhere you want.

1.  Your grocery bags have holes, I lost my wholesome bread.
2.  I had to make holes in the bag so your mom could breath.

1.  I once hit your moms head with a broom and a pigeon flew out of it.
2.  Did you at least throw food in her hair?

1.  I’m taking your bike.
2.  Alright, just remember, it’s got 2 flats and the brakes are broken.

1.  Throw me some change partner, I need a gumball.
2.  What do you think this is, a charity?  If you want a gumball you need to earn the money, shave my legs.

You are a waste of my unlimited texts.

1.  I have never seen a dumpster that I haven’t liked.
2.  What about an empty one?
1.  Not true.  Then I can play in them.